To Boldly Split Infinitives and Self-Observe Like I've Never Done Before

The distinction between mental illness and mental health is not a bright-line distinction. On one end of the spectrum are the "healthy" and on the other are the clearly ill, those experiencing hallucinations or who simply cannot function at even the most basic level. Between the extremes are the depressed, the bi-polar, the ADHD, the high-functioning Autistic.

To the extent that it is clear that their actions stem from their mental illness, those who are very ill are excused to an extent by society. Problems arise, however, when unraveling the actions of the less ill.

Certainly there are many among the mentally 'healthy' who make fools of themselves. The question arises then, whether the foolish actions of the marginally ill, such as a bi-polar person, stem from a manic episode or from the unfiltered poor judgment of the person. Is the depressed person merely lazy, or has that person's condition made it impossible to carry on? Even the affected person can find the question difficult to answer.

Looking back, I can see decisions made during my life that I feel were definitely made under a manic influence. Decisions made that I knew at the time to be completely out of character with my basic nature, but with which I felt compelled to proceed. Others foolish mistakes are more difficult to quantify. I cannot say definitively whether they were made under a manic influence, under my own poor judgment, or some combination of the two.

Of course, suffering from bi-polar, the opposite is true as well. There have been times where I have been paralyzed with inaction that I am quite sure have been linked to depressive episodes. But there also have been those times when I cannot say definitively that depression played a major role, or any role in my inaction. Even the most 'healthy' person can need a break or even just be lazy.

I know of no magical key that will allow me to open this mystery. Nonetheless, much of my life seems to rest on making this determination. If I cannot recognize and take active measures against a manic episode, how can I take the appropriate actions to minimize its influences? Likewise, if I cannot recognize in myself the depressive cycle, how can I expect myself to seek the required help? It is not logical for me to trust in the observation of others. My wife of 13 years could not truly detect these shifts. Apparently, within me is the ability to cover up and lie to one and all, including myself, when these episodes strike. I have hope that the modifications to my medication have taken sufficient hold that the extremes do not manifest themselves often or at all. But, can I be sure?

That is the Gordian Knot, the $60,000 question, the continuing hero's quest of self-realization -- whether I train myself to be sufficiently self-observant and disciplined to recognize and correct irrational mood swings. The answer to this question will determine whether the rest of my life will fulfill the promise behind this Blog, or whether my life will result in a smoking ruin.