What is to be done?

One year ago today I was on day five of nine days in a crises center. Today I resigned my license to practice law.

It came as no surprise. It’s been in the work literally for months. At least I managed to have five counts of alleged negligence reduced to three and avoided an indefinite suspension due to mental incompetence. A pyrrhic victory if ever there were one.

Well, now what? It is said that in Russian history there are only two great questions that consumed society, “Who is guilty?” and “What is to be done?” I really do not know who is guilty, if anyone. I have rolled that question around and around in my mind until it is become a smooth marble running on a well-defined groove. Ultimately, that question is futile. Blame will do nothing to repair my current state.

So, what is to be done? At present I seem to be back-pedaling at an enormous rate. Three years of education and ten years of practice – thirteen years of my life – expunged with the stroke of a pen. Friends I once had as a younger man scattered to the winds, never replaced over the intervening years. My fifteen year marriage appears to be slowly dissolving before my eyes, one bit at a time. My three sons stand as the only permanent marker in my life and I fear that I do them more disservice than service as a Father.

How far do I resign? How far do I slide down the sandy dune that is my life before my feet catch hold? I scramble at the crumbling wall until exhausted then ride its flow back down. Each attempt leaves me lower than before. Profession – gone. Friends – gone. Marriage – going.

All of the feel-good “you can do it” “how to fix your life in 40 days” types talk about climbing the ladder only to find it is against the wrong wall once you reach the top. Maybe that is what I am experiencing. Maybe. Climbing down the ladder to put it up to the right wall, so I can climb it again. If so, it sucks. If not, well, it also sucks.