A Heroic Effort

Back at the beginning of this little journey I've found myself upon, I thought that my manic episodes were the normal state of affairs. As a result, when I would attempt to pull myself out of the depression, I would try to pull myself up into a mania. Now, I begin to wonder if the opposite might be true. If it seems that a depression is the 'norm' to be sought.

I have been fearful of late that I could be in a manic swing. While my energy has not been high, in fact it has remained quite low, I seem to find myself fixating on small, irrelevant matters while much more important things go unattended. It seems that the endless navel-gazing continues; am I depressed; am I manic. My wife says I should try going forward as if neither were the case and maybe I would find that I am neither. There is probably a lot of truth to that way of thinking. Now just to force myself off the dime.

My sons were with me this weekend and I was once again forcefully reminded just how much I miss being with them all of the time. The youngest had his first tooth come out while at church and was so excited. My third-grade son practiced for his class play (and also shoved sticky sucker sticks and used gum into the crevices of my couch! Grrrr!). My oldest is turning into a young man so quickly. And of course, when I returned the boys I saw my wife. I miss being with her most of all.

Now, only to reorganize my life so that these greatest matters -- my family -- recieve the precidence in my life as they do in my often impotent thoughts. Despite my normal inclination, I am making myself go to bed earlier and earlier in hopes that I will have greater energy during the day. I am attempting to bring order to my home, so that it is not a reflection of an inner turmoil and more of an inspiration toward a regular life. But I know that these changes are pretty much cosmetic.

I cannot afford to let myself be depressed or manic. I must find the razor's edge and balance upon it. Its odd, when Neil Armstrong steps on the moon, when Edmud Hillary ascends Everest, even when Luke destroys his Deathstar there is a cheer and general celebration. But so many navigate the howling gales of difficulty in their private lives with no hope of celebration or even a true end. The mental disorder, the physical challenge, the lack of education -- any number of personal challenges can demand a heroic effort to overcome. One thing remains the same between the two types of heroic efforts: failure cannot be an option.