Anatomy Of A Depression

Sadly enough, it began with hope. That is usually the case, actually. In the past I had thought about looking into truck driving as a living, and the thought struck me again as I drove my mother to the airport the other day. So, I began to investigate.

The work would not be the easiest: eleven hour driving days; spending 3 to 5 weeks at a time away from home, and so forth. That didn’t really matter, though. It would mean making enough money for myself and for me to take care of my children, at least to an extent. The worst part of the whole journey for me has been that I cannot provide. I am a drain, not a provider. I see my wife struggling to support the children and their household on one income, and I feel the pain.

Now I had hope once again that I could overcome this situation.

I looked into the matter further – there are trucking companies that will train you from scratch in return for a one-year commitment. Sounded good. The pay wasn’t the greatest in the world, but it would be enough for my needs.

And then I investigated the requirements for a Commercial Driver’s License. All sorts of medical conditions can be waived: poor eyesight, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes… But what condition cannot be waived? You guessed it – any psychological disorder, even if controlled or managed with medications.

I had been doing well. Not the greatest, necessarily, but I had been doing well (which is probably why I have not been writing on this blog – heh). Getting up in the morning. Exercising some. Generally “taking care of business” in small ways. Then this hits. The weight of the “Scarlet B” stitched on my shirt drug me down once again. What was worse was that I saw it coming. I said to myself, “Here comes the depression that follows disappointment.” Sure enough, like the tide rolling into a narrow bay, here came the immense wave of despair.

I was supposed to have my sons this weekend, but I just had to pass. They deserve more than a father who does little but lay in bed all day. I came home at about 5:30 after learning about the license and was in bed by 6:00. I slept through the night. Today I have intermittently lain in bed or listlessly played minesweeper. I did force myself to take a shower at about 4:00, which is more than I usually manage. I also made myself eat a couple of bowls of cereal this morning and a few ounces of cheese a little bit ago. It’s not that I am not hungry – it’s just that the effort hardly seems worth it.

It is Labor Day weekend, so everyone else is involved in family events. I have nowhere to go really, and nothing to do if I go there. So, I just stay here. Yes, I know that I am not supposed to just stay in my apartment, but there really are no practical options.

Slob, Get a Job!

(With apologies to Dr. Seuss and Sam-I-Am)

Would you, could you
Get a job?!
Don’t sit around
And be a slob!

I can no longer practice law
I messed that up -- Haw, Haw, Haw.
I cannot work in oil & gas
Each time I try I get the pass.
I cannot stand to sell Slurpees
Because of pain beneath my knees.
I cannot drive a great big truck
DPS says my brain is muck.
But chances are when I apply
For SSD they will deny.
A great round peg, all holes are square
I do not fit in anywhere.

I simply cannot hold a job!
And that is why I am a slob!