Why I would give money to bums now.

In the not too distant past I, like most Americans, would drive past the sign-toting bums standing at a prominent intersection pleading for money. The justifications are familiar: "Lazy bums"; "They will just use it to buy beer or drugs"; and/or "My taxes already pay for welfare programs". Now, I am not so sure.

I will not necessarily give them something every time, but if I have a free buck or two I will. In these individuals I see a possible fate averted, or perhaps yet in the future yet.

How can otherwise intelligent, educated people fall into the well of homelessness, addiction and the indignity of begging? It is a question that many have asked. Now, having stood at the yawning brink of insanity I feel now that I have an answer to the question. Thoughts of suicide plagued me for some time, even the exact plan of how I would accomplish it. In the end, though, I realized that I could not kill myself. At least, not in one go.

What I could do would be a much more slow form of suicide. Part of the appeal of suicide is to spare your family and loved ones from the torture that you have inflicted upon them. The realization that if you were gone that most of the many problems would go with you. So, you could simply dissappear. Dissappear from the family, knowing that your parting would cause passing trauma but not as severe as if you killed yourself -- probably. Your absence would certainly alleviate the problems you caused in the family. Finally, you could hide from yourself in the haze of addiction.

Maybe it enables these souls in their quest of self-destruction to give them the means to accomplish it (and who knows, perhaps some of them are actually just desparate souls needing help). But I cannot feel that by 'enabling' them, if that is what I am doing, I am respecting their decision to take a path that I consiered and ultimately set aside.